Thank you so much for this. I’m almost in tears it was so kind.
All I can say is…what the fuck. This weekend has been the strangest weekend I have had in a while. Things happened that have made me completely question life and who I am and my meaning on this plain. Honestly nothing very bad happened to me but this whole weekend seemed like such a blur, a sort of nightmare in which I was lucid but seemingly not in control at all.
I guess I will start with Friday. My husband told me he wasn’t staying at the house to “give us space”, which to me really just meant so he could have his space and freedom while I had to stay and be suzie home maker. If you read these blogs of mine you know my relationship is on the fritz. After he left on friday afternoon without even saying goodbye I was pretty broken and angry, I ended up sending him some very long, very angry messages on facebook (his phone was off). I told him I was done and I was leaving and blah blah blah, and I was serious. I told him he should stay gone and that I didn’t want him coming back. I took off my wedding ring with no intention of ever putting it back on because he was showing me his feelings were more important than how he was making me feel; and yea it is true you have to think about your own feelings first, but this wasn’t just a case of not being happy, he has said some really hurtful things to me out of completely nowhere and I just can’t do it anymore.
I called my friend Ashley and said I needed to go out, and since my son was already asleep her husband said he would come sit at the house while we went out, he even had a friend be our DD so we didn’t have to get a cab.
So I went out for the first time in 2 years. There was nothing but Americans at this place which was fine but mostly Marines were there and one I thought was cute but I really had no ill intention or anything like that, these marines have come into my job every day for the last two months and talk to me and so i felt like it was okay to talk to them and try to hang out. Wow…I was wrong. This one guy got so drunk and mean and started yelling at me about his ex-fiance because I wasn’t wearing my ring. I just told him it’s a long story and he doesn’t know me well enough to my situation and I decided I wasn’t going to be talking to him anymore. There was this one guy who early in the evening I had guessed his name without ever having met him (he uses his middle name and said he wasn’t saying his first name and I guessed it out of nowhere)…really freaked him out, but it led to us talking about music and he said he liked classic rock. I asked what his favorite bands were but the answer was in my head before he said it, at this point I am beginning to realize that a gift I had when I was younger may be coming back…a lot of strange “coincidences” have been happening lately. but whatever, so we talked for a while and then the girls I was with and I decided it was time to leave so we did.
I get home and my husband is there. I asked what he was doing home and he said he didn’t want to talk about it so I left it at that and went to bed.
The next day was my friends’ birthday party. Everything started off fine until it hit around 11 pm when people started getting really stupid drunk and blacking out and I left because I didn’t want my son around that, my husband went with me so he helped me get our son and walked us home and put us to bed. I thought he was going to stay with us, and i really wanted him to but instead he went back over there. I lost it. I needed him to stay because I was feeling not right…yes I was drunk but usually I am a very happy drunk and I wasn’t as drunk as everyone else because whenever I have my son with me I don’t like to get to where I feel like I can’t take care of him. But since I already deal with fits of rage and depression when I’m sober, it is harder to control when I am not sober. And yes, I have a drinking problem that I am battling. I know this. Needless to say the demon inside me took control and I tried to overdose on sleeping pills. It didn’t work. My husband came home later (430am) to find me passed out; he got me barely awake and i told him i took a bottle of sleeping pills and he made me try to throw up. Which i couldn’t do very easily because I began choking on dry heaving shit and whatever. I did get some nasty ass black shit to come up and started feeling less like I was dying and more of just really sleepy. So he had me sleep and kept waking me up asking me if i was feeling better and kept asking why i did it.
Why? Because I want to die. And more than any other time that night I wanted to just fall asleep and never wake up. But the Universe won’t let me die.
So he was by my side all Sunday and helped with our son and kept asking how I felt.
But you guys…that’s not all that fucking happened. You see, while I was battling my inner demons, the people still at the party were battling some demons of their own.
People were cheating on each other and this one couple…well they have a 6 month old girl…the mother found the baby lying in her father’s vomit, and she was suffocating. The mother found her just in time to not lose her daughter to the idiot fuck she married and decided to procreate with. But the mother was not innocent by any means!! No, while her daughter lay in her father’s puke, as she laid nearly dying, her mother was trying to hook up with some other married guy that was there.
I didn’t want my husband going back because I had such a bad feeling of doom or something horrible happening and I didn’t want my family involved. He said all he did was sit by the fire talking to the guy who was the DD from the night before about cars. I believe him. But that didn’t help my depression when I found out about what happened. Had I been there I would have killed that father. I do not doubt a single thought in my mind I would have killed him with my bare hands.
I don’t know what the fuck it was about this weekend but something in the air was off…I kept smelling roses every where I went. I kept asking people, “are you wearing perfume that smells like roses?” and everyone said no. But all weekend all I kept smelling was roses as strong as when you put your nose into a rose and inhale it. I don’t know but I think that smell has something to do with all the insanity that happened this weekend. It wasn’t just the alcohol. Most of us drink all the time and we never black out or pass out in our puke; something was different about this weekend and it has me needing to get far far away from these people because I have a feeling something very bad is going to happen very soon.
Anyways..all that happened made me realize I don’t want to be a part of that group anymore. If there is a big hang out/party, I won’t be there. If it is just a small group of the right people, I might.
My husband actually said something nice about my body today. He said he could already tell that the yoga is tightening me up. That is the kind of things I need to hear more often. That is motivation; saying “hey you are doing a good job and I’m seeing results”.
On another note I’m really constipated.